Something you may not know…
Most schools are signed up to a service called The Schools Advisory Service. They have lots of resources for staff and 1 of those is 5 free phone therapy sessions.
I’ve received about 3 or 4 emails throughout the year reminding me these services were available. But I didn’t really feel like I needed them.
However, after starting a new relationship and the stress of GCSEs getting closer and closer, I was falling back into patterns I hadn’t seen in myself in a while. Its not depression, I'm not feeling depressed and I feel fortunate enough to recognise that, but I have been feeling anxiety and insecurity I guess. So I decided to call the number and see if I could catch this feeling earlier and maybe even deal with some of the things I’ve always pushed to the back.
So I sat down in the comfort of my own home and had my first therapy session in 3 years. It felt so good to say the things I’ve been thinking but too afraid to say to anyone. Since its not depression I’m feeling I’m finding it hard to talk to people about it. I don’t want them to worry, I don’t want them to think I’m going back to that place. What I feel like I’m doing is finally dealing with issues I’ve previously just accepted as a part of me: my inability to commit in relationships and my relationship with food..
So far all I’ve realised is that these are very real issues for me and ones that I’ve never really addressed despite knowing they exist. At 27 years old I’ve never been in a relationship longer than 3 months, all ended by me because I’ve felt trapped or like I’m losing myself. And since I was 15 being bullied for my body, constantly being told to diet by those around me I’ve had issues with food.
But the first step has been taken. It feels good to know I have someone to talk through this with, who’s only job is to listen and help without judgement. In a weird way I think it also validifies my feelings, having someone say no that doesn’t sound like something you should just accept, we can address that. I’m not sure I’ll solve all of my problems in 5 sessions but they took 27 years to create they’re not going to go away in 5 weeks, but a start is a start.
Now I have to just get over the thought that I’m still not “out" of this mental health black hole. When you deal with one thing another pops up, is this just life? I mean is this what I can expect for the rest of my life? A never ending battle between me and my mind.